September 13, 2007
Why I like to type the really random shit when I'm near sleep deprivation
I wasn't sure at first if I was going to blog this. It's peculiar, it's a conundrum I've participated in. Eris said I was being a pussy about it and said do it.
It's so:
boring and stupid, really.
These machines are horribly addictive, and they're really good at getting a lot of shit done, if you need to. Especially if it is nothing. The time sinks in them are fascinating. I laughed because a friend of mine is into WoW, and he wanted me to get involved so I could tourettes at the enemy faction. However, at least that is kicking some ass while you're doing something that others consider dorky or useless.
It annoyed me a lot when I was a kid when anything I liked got criticized. The comic books, the gaming, video games, whatever. That I spent money on useless shit. Which in a way I guess is true. I don't like having a lot of money on me because I do kinda enjoy buying random things. Occasionally collecting them. So I kinda understand why people were pissed when they had spoilers yelled at them in the Happy Potter lines. Boo hoo, it's just a book, I know. Just because it's not a big deal doesn't mean you have to be a big asshole for no good reason at all.
Okay, I did giggle the first time I saw it on whatever website it was. I have a fuctup sense of humor.
No. Instead of wasting time on those, I was supposed to be getting some job somewhere. Anywhere. Even a basic one. And I have done a couple basic ones, and I didn't care for them. I think if I could figure out a way that would cooperate with me, I could make one of those useless things into a moneymaker. But making money just isn't something I'm particularly good at. It annoys me.
I see these time sinks that are growing in these different minigames and the themes of the different ones. I play some at Newgrounds, and the Tornado gets some of the downloadables. She digs 'em, and I play them sometimes. Usually though I hang back and kibitz, and we tell tales between rounds. The one she got tonite quit on her because it was the demo still. She put in the password and now she's added it to her library. It has cute pet graphics and sounds, and cartoony animations. It's a pet salon - you buy different stations to put pets through various treatments, then manage them for a day's work. You even get to decorate the joint. It's a cute little sim.
People are paying companies to simulate work for them.
Look. I had to get up at 5 in the morning to make sure I got to the vehicle switch point so the No Fly Guy wouldn't be late after dropping me off at the airport really early. (Yes, that is a new nickname I am introducing. Shhh...) That's Texas time. So I've basically been awake 23 hours. So does that mean that's a fnord?
Does that mean I can go to bed now?
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 02:31 AM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2007
Birthday madness creeps up on me
My dad is planning on showing up sometime this week so we can do the visit thing for my birthday. We may even go shopping. I had planned to go see Stardust, but I know he isn't going to want to bother with movie nonsense, so I guess I'll just take myself tomorrow or whenever I get around to it. I should be cleaning the house tomorrow, of course, but I'm tired of that already.
The hubby has already bugged me with the 'what do you want?' nonsense. He insists that I need to get new boots, but I don't want boots for my birthday - I want them for xmas. I don't mind practical gifts at that time, for my birthday I want something frivolous. And I don't want to bother telling anyone what to get me so they can wrap it in paper and I can be not surprised when I open it. That is such a waste. If you can't be bothered to surprise me, get me cash or take me shopping.
But here's what takes the cake. I finally broke down and told him 'look at that stack of dvds, and if you see one with a number on it, get me the next one.' This totally goes against my surprise me requirement, but at least I might not know exactly which one I get. Oh but no - he tells me 'I can't do that, it's too hard." WTF is up with that? It's too difficult to copy down a few words that you don't need to understand cuz the gimp at the counter can decipher anime weirdness for you? Oy...
So now I'm not going to be able to just hide under the covers for the whole useless day. I actually have to pretend I'm cheery and sociable and enjoying the annual torture. I'm sure I'll get a bunch of people just dying to ask me how it feels to be old. Bleh.
All I want is some cake and ice cream!
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 02:26 AM | Comments (1)
August 05, 2007
What I want for my birthday
To be surprised.
It isn't going to happen.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)
The random shit going through my head right now
I have a tube of superglue and nothing to use it on.
Humidity sucks.
I could really use some ice cream right about now. But I'm too lazy to go get it.
Howcome all the hawt prison meat has to be born again?
I don't want to imagine what would happen to the Bailey's already in my stomach if I put Razz on it. I mean, I'm sure it's already in an ugly state, but then it would be fruity. Ew, too late - already imagined it.
Morissey looks awful now. Has he been snorting elephant rails since the last time I saw him or what?
I deserve fireworks.
I already don't feel like getting up tomorrow.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)
March 26, 2007
Family is an accident
I have tremendous amounts of baggage regarding the whole issue of family. I'm not really all that bogged down with the same issues that most people have with family - as far as I'm concerned, being related to someone lends about the same amount of responsibility and connection as sitting next to someone on a bus - they're both random accidents of cosmic chance to me. But the idea that genetic closeness and legal ceremony imparts some sort of necessary and sacred bond is ingrained into human interaction and people tend to get all weirded out when you don't conform to this. It's one thing to have some anti-family feelings when you come from a totally fucked up situation - this still comes across as a strong bond, even if it is one of hate and despair. But being ambivalent about one's relations because you don't see them as fundamentally more than 'casual' relations seems to be something that a lot of people can't quite wrap their minds around.
See, it's like this for me - when I was really little, before I even remember it in fact, my biologicals got deevorced and I got moved from one coast to the other to live out the chaos that turned out to be my life. Growing up, my dad was this guy who showed up on random occasions to say hi and drop off a gift or something. Don't read any negativity into that statement, because there is none - it was what it was, and I'm not complaining. My mom remarried, and this guy was an asshole. He didn't last long. My mom remarried again - by this time the whole notion of a father figure was pretty much ruined for me. This guy had a personality similar to mine, but his views were pretty much on the exact opposite end of the spectrum - there was no way we were going to get along, at least on any sort of friendly level. We managed to live though, and that's that.
Well, except for the whole instant family thing. Before this I was the baby of a set of three. Once stepdad part II came along suddenly I had a whole passel of new older brothers and sisters, several of them married, several with kids - I was an instant uncle, and the baby of a very large family. For the most part my new step brothers treated me like shit, yet were happy to let their kids' new uncle, being just a few years older than his new nephews and nieces, be a quasi-babysitter because that's who I got to play with. The thrill of this wore off after a while, because I'm certain I was being badmouthed to several of the nephews behind the scenes and they started being little assholes to me too. As a teenager, having these little shits insist that they could come into my room and be fuckers to me was annoying, doubly so when their parents couldn't understand why I didn't want to play with their rude asshole children.
This is one reason why the whole gay thing took me so long to get. I assumed that being gay was bad and wrong, because that's what everyone and everything was telling me, so constant sly (and not so sly) inferences from the stepbrother asshole parade automatically made me shun the notion. It was bad, having these adults give me shit about it was hurtful, so I would simply not be this bad and hurtful thing. I feel a little warped by it - I have all kinds of self esteem issues because I was the new worthless little baby that these adults had to put up with because their father decided he wanted to have a family beyond their mother. (I have no idea what was up with their family life before their dad married my mom, but from little clues I've gathered it apparently wasn't an exciting and happy Hallmark moment.) So after years of denial and constant questioning of my own motives and thoughts, I finally decided that isolating myself from everyone was the best way to deal with living. My friends from that time (most of whom are truly my family now) can attest that I was a conflicted, whining little shit who couldn't manage to figure out why being alive was so difficult.
It's around this time, right when I was finally starting to break through years worth of walls I'd built up around myself, that my dad decided he needed to come into my life and straighten me out. He'd done this very thing with my middle sister, bringing her to Texas and making her go through all those important steps into adulthood. Whether this worked for her and made her a happy and well balanced person is not my story to tell - I can assure you that it would not have done me any good. The only people who had any idea where I was in life were the people that had, for whatever reason, decided to be my close circle of friends and to stick by me and let me whine and complain and cry when I couldn't quite get past yet another self-imposed obstacle. I don't make friends easily (mainly because I do not trust human beings - big surprise), so being torn away from the few I'd managed to keep around would have been the worst thing for me. Explaining this to my dad would be a pointless venture, so I hid when he came to get me. He's only mentioned the incident once since, and he is of the opinion that my stepdad was being an asshole for letting me get away from him. I just keep my mouth shut. (I don't tell my dad anything, I just sit there and nod. It saves me a lot of headaches.)
So now here I am, in this weird floating state of being. I just don't really feel all that tied to other people, partly because of that wordy mess of bitching above, and partly because I live in my own head and am tremendously self involved. It isn't that I hate my family or that I want to avoid them, because I don't. It annoys my dad that my sisters and I aren't constantly touching base and making sure we have an encyclopedic knowledge of the whole family's doings. He doesn't get that we're not wired that way. These people to whom I am related, through blood or through certificates of legally recognized relationship, are just more people in the world - these arbitrary connections are just conversation points to me. I haven't had a lot of contact with the step-siblings in years. I got along well with most of the new step-sisters, and am happy to spend time in their company if the circumstances arise. (One was a total bitch to me and she had better not try and nice me up ever in the future. Her husband can fuck himself with a red hot poker too.) The step brothers, I remain civil with them if we ever cross paths, but I'm not going to pretend to be friendly. They probably have no idea that they wrenched me so out of true when I was just a kid, and if I were stupid enough to bring it up they'd just call me a whining pussy anyway. They can fuck themselves. I haven't seen hide nor hair of any nephew or niece from them since I was a teenager, and honestly I don't plan to go out of my way to. Nothing personal - I don't begrudge any of these people much (exceptions are noted, of course), I'm just not all that involved. I don't think they give much of a shit about me either.
I'll be packing this week for my annual trip out to California. I make sure to trip out to the house where I grew up and visit there, but I stay with friends. It's just easier that way. I have a couple cute purses in my carry on, with candy and stuffed bunnies and other fun easter things to give to my nieces. I try to be good to them, I try to be patient and interesting. I put more effort (which is still admittedly not a great deal) into my relationship with these two girls than I ever really have with any of the people I've been so accidentally connected to. I see small fragments of myself as a child in them, and it's scary. Sometimes, in fact, I see the other adults in their lives doing things that bothered or hurt me when I was little - I get the urge to say something about it sometimes, but I know it's pointless. I don't have kids (and never ever will, you can bet on that - kids, like dogs, are great when they're someone else's) so I'm not allowed to have any sort of opinion on how they're treated or raised or regarded. But seeing these things with my own eyes, happening to someone else in the same situation I was in, shows me that I wasn't so wrong to be unhappy about it when it was happening to me. I just hope they deal with it better than I did.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 03:00 PM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2007
Morpheus denied
Still awake. And not for any good reason either. No, I'm not trolling for porn. (Not technically anyway, since the last big group of pics I looked at were of quite tasty construction workers that actually were construction workers. I wonder how much it would scare them to know that I and several other men are catcalling their pictures from the internet.)
I could be vacuuming. I could be ironing. I could be working on Strange Aeons. I could be writing something other than this stupid blog entry. I could be sleeping...
I'm not in the least bit tired, honestly. I know if I go lay down under a blanket and close my eyes I will probably drop off in an hour or two. And I should, I really should - but I know I won't. I'm reading a stranger's blog (where the aforementioned woof was found), I'm waiting for inspiration, I'm...
I'm still awake.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 09:45 AM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2007
Stamping my foot and pouting
Dammit, I keep fucking up my sleep schedule and nothing is getting done. I don't want to do anything today, I just want to laze around the house and play. Stupid housework. But getting fussy is pretty pointless with only the cats as witnesses.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 08:00 AM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2007
Bleargh
That's exactly what it sounded like too. I've been headachey and yarky all day today. It sucks. I have no idea what's causing it either. It seems to have settled down now, since I'm keeping food down. It better, because I'm not about to try and eat again if this is failure #3.
Yeah, you so wanted to know that.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 05:36 PM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2007
New phone, again
The bro-in-law checked to see about getting a new battery for the previous phone, since it was going completely schizo on me. The hubby and I had already gone to Radio Shack to check on it, and they told us that it was a discontinued item. Somehow this assertion wasn't supported by the Sprint people, but whatever. Anyway, long story short, I got a free phone instead. Very basic, which is nice actually since most of the zippy shit they put on a phone doesn't cooperate with me anyway. I had to deal with a human to get it activated, since the automated thing was retarded and couldn't wait 10 seconds for me to get the magic activation code. Oy.
Let's hope the new phone cooperates.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 11:53 PM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2007
Argh!
I have the word schlumpy stuck in my head and it's driving me nuts. That's not even a word dammit! Everything is all schlumpy.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 02:29 AM | Comments (0)
January 13, 2007
Sucky
I woke up this morning in a pissy negative mood. I'm not going to get into it because it's just a bunch of narcissistic crap anyway, but I hate it when I wake up like that. I could blame the cold, or TV saturation, or isolation, or tax season, or...
*Yawn* What a waste. It isn't even worth the energy to blame anything or anyone. It's just me in my own head trying to make up another excuse to be hateful for no good reason. It won't blow over, it'll just go hide for awhile and come back later to bug me again. Lame.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 10:32 AM | Comments (0)
December 06, 2006
Beige
My creative urge has been dead lately. Not entirely dead - I did decoupage a box today, but that's the first real urge I've had in a long time. It's weird, and others have noticed it too. There were several folks on my various pagan lists that have felt out of touch with their respective muses.
I dunno. I haven't felt the urge to make anything new lately. I haven't felt like I'm excited about anything. I feel so boring lately.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 03:14 AM | Comments (0)
November 08, 2006
Piles of crap all over the house
The Hobby Lobby in Clovis has claimed its first victim, and the hubby and I made sure to go and pick the carcass clean. There's this little craft store called Ben Franklin's just a short jaunt from the 4 corner spot that pretty much encompasses anything I'd want to buy in Clovis, and they're having their going out of business sale. Needless to say, I now have a bunch of new blank boxes, a couple new cans of spray varnish, and lots of new origami paper.
Because I so needed to pile more projects and crap on my already over-procrastinated days. Technically I should have too much glue on my hands to be able to work the keys on this machine. It wouldn't be so silly if I had managed to sell one of these projects by now.
Fever dream, I know.
Filed under "It's all about me" by damyano at 11:56 PM | Comments (0)