October 2005 Archives


So the landlords are getting a divorce. Which means (a) we have to move or (b) we get to buy the house. Since it could potentially be a messy divorce, I'm not sure if (b) will be an option made available to us, but hopefully...

Mazer in Prison

So I just listend to "Mazer in Prison", the audio file I mentioned in my post about Orson Scott Card's new online magazine. As Erik and Rachel mention, it takes place prior to Ender's Game. What a great story. And what a great experience listening to it on my half hour each way daily commute! I think I'm hooked. I must find out if the local library carries books on CD. I even just purchased an audio version of Ender's Game on sale because I would really enjoy "reading" it again. I've never read a book twice because there are just too many books to read and it takes so long to read them. But an audio CD, I could listen to that however many times I choose and it wouldn't take any time out of my life because I'd be listening to it during my daily commute. :)

Parents Visit

My mom and step-dad came to visit our house for the first time this last weekend. It was great having them here. My mom told me, "Wow. You're a real person, with a real house, and a real boyfriend." We're still just renting the house, but hey, I'm out of apartment living now. :)

No Harm, No Foul


So Mike and I bought a California King bed off of the base bulletin about a month ago. We did test it out before buying it, but after we got it home, we realized that our old Queen bed was quite a bit more comfortable. So we put an ad in the base bulletin to sell the CA King bed. Right away we got a response from the people we bought the bed from. They were having trouble finding an adequate replacement bed and wished they hadn't sold it, so they wanted to buy it back! They picked it up last week and after they left, Mike sat down on our old Queen bed and said, "That was weird."

InterGalactic Medicine Show


In case you haven't heard, Orson Scott Card started an online magazine called InterGalactic Medicine Show. It's first issue is out right now. It costs $2.50 per issue, and stuff keeps getting added to the issue until the next issue comes out (you can sign up for a mailing list to be informed of when new stuff is added). It also sounds like you will always have access to past issues you've paid for and can also purchase past issues at any time.

There will be at least one story in an OSC universe. This issue's Card story is set in the Ender universe and is called, "Mazer in Prison", which is also offered as an audio version. I think I will be downloading it and burning to disc to play in my car during my daily commute. Actually, first I'll have to find out if it will ruin anything since I haven't read the latest Ender book, or has it been the last two that I've missed?

Anyway, the magazine also features science fiction and fantasy stories by other authors. If you are a writer and would like to submit your work for consideration, go here.

Cleaning and Letters


I've made it my mission this weekend to get rid of all my junk and have all of my boxes unpacked, once and for all (or at least as close as I can come).

So last night I was going through a box that happened to have a bunch of letters from my Dad from about the years 1988-1994. He was struggling so much and tried so hard. He really loved us. Those letters are from a time when our relationship was untainted by the complexities of supporting him for the five years I lived in Vegas. When our relationship was so pure.

Of course we still loved each other to the end, but I closed myself off to him when I had to deal with the reality of supporting him. I had so much anger and frustration during those years (the supporting him wasn't due to him being sick, that was only the last few months of his life when he had a brain tumor grow and develop so rapidly that there was no time to get chemo for the parts that couldn't be removed by surgery). How hard that had to have been for him to watch our relationship mutate so. He died the morning that I had planned on going to the hospital after taking my make up exam for school, and after my sister left, to have a real deep heart felt one on one talk. He died before I could tell him I had let the anger go and how I loved all the insights on life that we'd share, and that I was planning on coming every day and having real talks with him. He died before I could tell him that we were getting him out of the hospital he hated so much and to a hospice where they would really tend to him.

We had a small fight the night before he died. When my sister and I left, he had a look on his face that we couldn't describe. After he died, we both realized that the look meant that he knew he wouldn't see us again. He knew he was going to die. He called his sister and told her goodbye. When we were at the hospital the next day, we noticed that he didn't have a phone there. I think he tried to call me, but couldn't remember my phone number and when he tried to get the nurses to call me, I think they took the phone away because I had asked them not to have him call me at all hours of the night unless it was important. Because he had been doing that before and I just couldn't deal with it 24-7. I didn't even write down my number for him when I knew he couldn't remember it. I was selfish to do that, but I was handling everything. I was talking with all the doctors, I was trying to complete my last semester of college, I was trying to keep the family all informed of the situation. The one person who needed me most, I couldn't be there for emotionally because I was too busy trying to hold everything together.

And as much as I appreciated my sister coming out for as long as she did to help out, I didn't really know her that well. She's 17 years older than me and I had only seen her a handful of times in my life. I wanted to have a heartfelt talk with my dad, but I couldn't open up like that in front of someone else, someone that I truly didn't know that well. Don't know if I could have opened up like that to in front of someone I did know well. My dad and I had a very special bond. I needed to talk with him, but alone. My sister was leaving that day, so I had planned to come by the hospital after my exam and do just that. Have a real talk with my dad, like old times.

When we found out he had a tumor, I didn't even have a real talk with him. I stayed there for a few minutes and he told me that no matter what has been said or what will be said, no matter what has been done or will be done, he loves me and that's forever. And I left him, to go to work. He found out he had a brain tumor, and I left him alone to let that knowledge sink in on his own, when I should have stayed to comfort him. When I got to work, I couldn't stay and I asked to go home. What did I do? Did I go back to my dad's to be there for him while he tries to process the news that he has a brain tumor? No, I go home. And I call my friend Nathan to come over because I need comfort. Nathan hugged me the moment I opened my door, but I didn't even let him comfort me while he was there. Instead, I sat on the computer and wrote long emails to the family. And that whole time, my dad was sitting at home, trying to process the knowledge that he has a brain tumor. Throughout the ordeal with the hospital stay and surgery, I never had the talk with my dad that he deserved and that I'm sure he needed. I was too busy trying to take charge and handle everything.

My sister stopped by the hospital to say goodbye on her way home and found out that he hadn't woken up that morning. The hospital never called us to tell us. So she called me and I skipped my exam and went to the hospital and watched him die within 10 minutes of my arrival. He made noises when I arrived. I think he knew I was there. I think he wanted to talk to me. I think he waited for me. I held his hand and told him that I loved him.

So last night I read letters from him, from back in happier times, when our relationship was pure and simple, just a father and daughter's love for each other. I read them for hours. And I cried. I miss him so much and I wish I could have been there more for him emotionally those last few years.

Short stories

I've been reading a lot lately, which has been very nice. I'm about 200 pages from the end of the latest Harry Potter and will be sad to have the book finished so soon.

I've also been reading some stories by my friend Erik. If you happen to like to read a lot and like the idea of providing feedback directly to the author, check out Erik's blog. In particular, read this post about what he looks for in a critique.

Back to Harry Potter now...